Emotionally Dissociated

A Letter

You’re my friend, and I feel honoured by your presence in my life. I trust you more than I trust anyone, and you showed me how much trust you have in me. I am moved beyond what words can convey. And it’s because of these emotions that I have to express my feelings here. I don’t deal with rejection well, and fully anticipate it if I should say these things to your face. But saying these things to your face would also mean, in all likelihood, as the entire history of my life with friends has shown me, that I’ll lose your friendship. And that’s what I fear the most in relation to you.

If I don’t say anything at all anywhere, I also fear I’m going to explode with anxiety, which will either leave you a bloody mess or push you away from the sheer force of the explosion. And then there’ll be a clean-up crew, because there’s 165 lbs of me, and that’s a huge goddamn mess. And so much for privacy, then. Everyone will quickly learn what I put in my butt. And I digress.

You see, I really care about you, and I haven’t been afraid to say it–to you or anyone else who dares to enquire into the matter. I am passionate about a lot of things, both on the global scale and among individuals. You’re the kind of person who inspires my passion on an individual scale, and I value that. You help people become outstanding individuals among a sea of heteronormative sheep. When someone calls you for help, you answer. I’ve literally seen you pick up the phone and drop everything to accommodate someone, and I’ve been that person at least once that I can immediately recollect. And because you help so many people, you’ve connected me to more people too. Those people aren’t all perfect, but no one is. The important part is that they are all allies to me in whatever ways they are capable. I have little doubt that they learned this from being in your presence.

I also trust you more than I trust anyone. I’ve put my body in your hands multiple times, and you’ve handled me with due care, respect, and dignity. My whole life, I have been mistreated and mishandled, but not by you. And just when I thought to myself, because of what happened the last time I put my body in someone’s hands, that I can’t trust anyone anymore, you showed me a reason to keep putting my trust in you. This puts me in a very difficult position, because my every instinct is to tell you how much this means to me, and to allow myself to be exploited by you because it makes me feel needed (which fulfils a need of mine, as well as yours, I would hope). But rather than act on this like everyone else, you show me yet another reason to trust you–by not asking anything a single thing of me.

I didn’t know how to deal with this because I’m not used to people treating me with dignity and respect. I’m not used to people treating me nicely, even when I think I can trust them. I did my best to deal with it on my own, but at a certain point, I just had to admit to myself and to you that I was feeling blown off, and that makes me feel “butt-hurt”. And you know what? You responded when I most needed you to, with just enough to validate and soothe my feelings. The way you responded also told me that I was right to deal with as much on my own as I had, because I’m not the total fuck-up I’m terrified of being. You have your own stuff going on (some of which you’ve told me, and I suspect, very few other people about), and you’re not just distancing yourself from me because-I’m-some-sort-of-a-creep. Because that’s what I told myself until I worked through it on my own until I could confidently say I was butt-hurt. I do that to myself a lot.

Up until this point, I don’t think I’ve revealed anything to you that wasn’t immediately transparent, and this is where I start to wish I had the performing talent that you have in spades. Just so I could very slowly lift my hands in front of my face, with the palms facing outward, and my fingers wiggling (imagine me saying “Surpriiiiiiiise”). I really deeply admire you. We’re the same age, and you’ve built a life-long career for yourself in the same time it’s taken me to face losing everything three times. You’ve travelled around the globe like I’ve always dreamed of doing myself. You’re a published writer, and have been in movies and music videos. You have the respect of a lot of people across the country, and for all I know, around the world. And you are presently a major contributor to a spiritual foundation that promotes my spirituality (for how long? I’m so humbled to have discovered this, even!) How could someone feel anything but profound admiration for you? Who do you see when you look in the mirror?

I don’t know how to work up to this properly, so I’m just going to blurt it out. I have really strong feelings for you, and I don’t even know what that means (“Surpriiiiiiiise”). You once told me in the wee hours of the morning that I was too unique to live and too rare to die, and I have been moved to tears by the thought ever since. No one has ever told me something so beautiful and humbling in my entire life, and I doubt anyone else ever will. And you know what else I doubt anyone else will ever do, because no one else before you has ever accomplished this before? The answer has to do with my dreams. You’ve been in them all the time since you told me that. Sometimes, we are intimate together. Sometimes we are just together. Sometimes, you’re just the most noticeable person in the room as I walk past without engaging with you at all, as if we had never met.

I’ve been in four (relatively) long-term relationships, and the most any of them have ever shown up in my dreams in a two-year period was three times. I mean… How the fuck did this happen? This is seriously starting to get weird! And difficult for me to deal with alone. And that’s why I had to write this.

I’m sure you know who you are if you’re reading this. I’m not sure what to do. I don’t even know exactly how I feel, and I’ve never felt more confident of my inability to navigate through a new relationship in my life. But if I never wrote this, I know the opportunity would pass me by at precisely the same rate as I fucked everything up with you. And that’s all I have to say for now. See you soon.

One thought on “A Letter

  1. Pingback: Follow-Up To A Letter « HaifischGeweint

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