Now that we’ve shared time together since I wrote this, and I had no idea whether or not you’ve read it and I still have no idea, I realize where my strong feelings are coming from. I’m grateful that I didn’t put my foot in my mouth by saying these things out loud, but I acknowledge that I was still being the somewhat inappropriate creep I-don’t-know-how-not-to-be-sometimes. I apologize if I made you uncomfortable. I probably didn’t, but I over-think all sorts of things. Like whether or not you read the original letter I wrote to you, before you showed up on my street.
You see, when we recently spent time together, you acted very selfishly, and I very selflessly. As if I needed to be there to watch you behaving in a self-serving manner. And I’ve been here many times before, and know I deserve better than this from someone who is more to me than a friend. This pattern goes all the way back to my earliest childhood memories, sitting at the dinner table, powerless and in silence (with my middle sister and mother also silently complicit), while my father harassed, belittled, berated, badgered, and name-called my oldest sister. I realize that you didn’t do any of these things, so please don’t interpret this as an accusation.
The parallel between hanging out with you while you did completely selfish things for a few hours in front of me, and sitting at the dinner table while my oldest sister is shamed and humiliated by my father, is that both you and he seemed to require an audience (though for dramatically different purposes). Both you and he seemed to need me to be a part of that audience. And you know what? You two are not the only people I’ve ever found myself wrapped up emotionally with, who seemed to need to be watched by me. I have a long, long, history of being emotionally wrapped up with selfish people. It’s as if I’m unconsciously attracted to them, despite how deeply I despise feeling alone whenever I’m the only other person in the same room (or phone conversation) as the person whose attention I most desire.
In fact, every time I’ve terminated a romantic and/or sexual relationship, this has been one of my primary reasons for enacting my choice. And I know when I think back on it, that this dynamic was present from the very beginning in every case. That I simply appraised this as insignificant because I could sense the potential for some other need to be fulfilled (or perhaps because, in a round-about way, being ignored by someone whose attention I most strongly desire has become a need in and of itself, because of my masochistic tendencies). Obviously, this is a recipe for resentment. Obviously, this is at the root of why, every time I’ve told one of my friends (new or familiar in the long-term) that I have feelings for them (even if I don’t know what that means), this is why we became emotionally distanced from each other as friends.
I don’t want that to happen between us, simply because I’ve written these blog entries and acted like a vaguely inappropriate creep (i.e., a jackass). But I just want to be friends, unless you can be conscious of how selfish you were, so that you can change that in the future if you want my romantic and/or sexual affection. No wonder I don’t have even the slightest conception of how attraction feels, or how people other than myself know when they are attracted to someone (and what they do about it). I apologize for raising this while we were hanging out, in the event that this made things uncomfortable. I’m grateful I found the mental stopper for my train of thoughts.
If nothing changes, I’ll take that as the indicator on the attraction litmus test, and assume you never read these entries in the first place, and go on dealing with myself like I have been all this time. See you another time, my friend.