The day the Re-Sergeance Alliance blog went live, I received an email from someone using an obvious pseudonym (turns out, it’s the same one the first page of the blog was published under). I opened that message two days after the blog was taken down. The content of that message shook me to my very core, and I sincerely did suffer a complete emotional breakdown just a few lines into it. When I finally collected myself, I thought of what little to write, and my message bounced back. It broke my heart. I then followed a second email I received from the same person, which contained an invitation to a service I had not yet connected that particular email to. So I connected my email to it, and lo and behold, the invitation was nowhere to be found. With tears still streaming down my face, I posted this very short post in the hopes he would see it and write me from another email address, since it was clear that the one he sent from was deactivated. And sure enough, after RCMP “raided” the home of a couple who wishes to remain anonymous, but who claimed to have connections to the Re-Sergeance Alliance blog and to Cpl. Jim Brown’s national exposure as a pervert, he started writing to me again. You’ll notice that in the second link, I state transparently that I suspect the man whose home was raided would turn out to be the same person as I was addressing in that first link.
A Brief Note About Pseudonyms
That man has contacted me multiple times now. He has used two pseudonyms: one is the name of an actual historical figure who was a distinguished RCMP officer whose career dates back to the formation of Canada (prior to the official formation of the RCMP); the other is the name of a fictional character in a television series from a hundred years later — a vigilante known as The Saint who occasionally commits crimes in the process of playing policeman, between episodes of romantic tension with an officer of the law.
When the man started contacting me again, he mentioned a name (and his relationship to that person) that I did not even utter out loud to my own psychiatrist, in order to demonstrate that he was the same person as had previously made contact with me. I have no reason to believe that this is a rather dramatic coincidence, and in fact, I trust that he is the same person as had originally reached out and written to me. But something was just… off… about this person, from the very first email. And it took me a few exchanges of emails to realize it. In fact, it’s more than one thing. And as a result, I feel it necessary to be particularly skeptical of everything he has written, up to and including his claims of involvement with the Re-Sergeance Alliance blog. That is not to suggest that at any time, I was completely trusting. Despite my overwhelming grief, I was skeptical from the very beginning, because I don’t know who I can trust (that includes some of my previously close friends and even my psychiatrist). An anonymous writer sending me emails is surely the last person I would trust immediately for any reason.
For starters, I don’t know whether to believe this individual is in any way connected to the Re-Sergeance Alliance blog, or to any of the persons he has named in the process of alleging their involvement. Since virtually none of them have contacted me except for him (and I actually did send an email to one of them with the web address to my blog between the time of initial contact and the raid, which has not yet been answered, and which I doubt ever will be answered), I have every reason to be skeptical. So it would seem, at this point, only logical to remain skeptical that he has any backing at all from the hundreds of people he claims to speak for, in the event he can somehow demonstrate his involvement with getting the blog published. So far, despite dropping an enormous hint in one of my replies, he has not produced any way of directly demonstrating involvement with the blog. Instead, he began to enquire into what else I do with my time, apart from write on this blog. It’s actually not difficult to figure out the answer to that question, simply from reading my other writing. I visit a psychiatrist, I inject testosterone, I lurk and post on Facebook, and I write. Apart from sleeping (broken sleep, for that matter), taking long showers, demonstrating, and circulating, there really isn’t a whole hell of a lot going on that makes me interesting or even remarkable.
For the sake of fuck, I even stated at the end of one of my posts that I live like a textbook hermit.
This brings me to another reason I am skeptical of this man, and so far, apart from this piece of writing about how the only remaining page of the Re-Sergeance blog resonates with me (I am an anarchist and an activist, after all), I have refused to share anything he has written apart from the way it has made me feel. And what once was overwhelming grief has slowly transformed into quiet resentment. From the very first email, to the last I have received thus far, he has been consistently showering me with appeals to my ego. This reveals to me that he has not done much reading into my blog, as I am a person who has lived the majority of my years on this planet with a devastating lack of self-confidence, self-respect, and self-esteem. I still struggle with a devastating lack of self-confidence even though I am working on the latter two concerns on a daily basis. And how do I reconcile this internal conflict when I step into the streets nearly every week (in little more than my underwear, at times)? Well, I convince myself that the message I am standing for is more important than what anyone thinks of me for taking up that space. And then I report back home, nerves unsettled, and binge on high-quality sushi while I pour my internal conflicts, insights, and experiences there onto my blog in a weekly update about those demonstrations.
I have even frequently referred to this deep-rooted internal conflict in the beginning of many of those posts. It helps me center my thoughts and provide a context for anyone reading, of how terrifying it actually is for an extraordinarily under-confident introvert like me to take a stand for what I believe in (thus suggesting just how fucking important it is to do so). But this feeling of dread that nearly paralyzes me is, more often than not, off-set by the gratitude many people express for my presence. And by the people who picket alongside me, who help me feel a hella safer than the time I was all alone in just a clear plastic bag, duct tape pasties, and a pair of skin-tight briefs (I’m really not joking — I was finally joined by another person after what felt like at least an hour). But I digress.
I haven’t been doing all of my writing about my involvement with the investigations into Cpl. Jim Brown and Mr. Charles, as a way to boost my ego. My ego is often non-existent, and this is especially true in matters of injustice. My motivation is, and consistently has been, that I want justice served to the grieving families of many victims. That if Brown and Charles are revealed to have any connection at all to Pickton and the 49 women he confessed to killing, I want to see them brought to justice for it. And I want justice served to Mr. Charles’ son, and to everyone else he has hurt. In other words, my investment has never been for my own sake, even though my involvement has been by virtue of, well, myself.
But I have still more reasons to be skeptical of this man and the information he has chosen to share with me. He makes extraordinary claims that have become further-reaching and more painful with every reply he has sent me. And this is where my resentment stems from. At first he was speaking to what I most powerfully dread will come out of Cpl. Jim Brown’s national exposure as a pervert. Then he was suggesting that one journalist in particular inadvertently put critical information into the wrong hands, by going off the deep end on a personal level in regards to someone else (something I could still actually believe, because I don’t think that particular journalist has enough information to fully comprehend all the potential repercussions of his writings). He told me he (himself, not the journalist) was the person who forwarded Cpl. Brown’s pervert pictures to an RCMP officer, and he name-dropped the online handle of the person I have been referring to exclusively as Mr. Charles, stating that the two men are friends (something that I was immediately skeptical of, although it’s not impossible, and even likely, given the size of the local kink “community”). I provided him with information anyone with an internet connection and a keyboard could locate, and he answered this by claiming that a third party’s name was associated somehow (it’s unclear to me what exactly he meant) with the search warrant on his home (this was just blatantly far-fetched). Then he called one of my posts “perfect” and actually claimed that Cpl. Brown was behind issuing that warrant (I just… what is this I don’t even).
So there you have it. I believe this man has accurately credited himself with the entire nation finding out what Cpl. Brown does in his spare time with consenting adults. But he also knew that the other man in the Jim Brown Doppelgang photos was Mr. Charles. I don’t know whether to believe he is the voice of Samuel Steele — the pen-name under which the Re-Sergeance Alliance blog was being written — or the voice of the man whose home was “raided”. I don’t even know whether it is appropriate to say his home was raided. All I know is that if he wanted me to believe everything he had to say, he added on far too many layers for me to take his message as deeply as he intended it. The RCMP knew exactly who I was talking about when I expressed both concern and confusion for how to handle this contact and the information being advanced to me.
At least I can rest assured that it would seem this was neither Brown nor Charles, playing fucking mind games with me. The thought had occurred to me very early on, that I was contacted by someone who knows me (I might still very well know this individual, but time will reveal all). But really, they don’t, or they would know how to come off as significantly more credible towards me, instead of repeatedly compromising their credibility through multiple interactions with me. There’s a whole lot more to what this person has told me, but I am leaving that out for the sake of his privacy (and any credibility he might salvage out of this — with anyone).