The fascinating part of the personhood (not actually a) “debate” that anti-choicers neglect to take into account is how declaring personhood for fetuses will impact women’s rights. So I’m going to do a little thought experiment with this post: what would happen if we gave citizenship to sperm when we granted personhood to fetuses? This is so that men are brought down to an even playing field with women on this issue.
Hello, Sperm Passports
Let’s assume that because Sperm Carriers™ already have citizenship, and their sperm is a part of their body until they experience some sort of ejaculation, that therefore our imaginary Citizenship For Sperm bill proposes that the sperm is granted the same citizenship as the person who is carrying it. And because sperm aren’t technically “born” at a set date, let’s just assume for the sake of ease that one does not have to file for a unique healthcare card number, birth certificate, social insurance number, and so on. I mean, seriously. The paperwork would never end. But you would have to carry a second passport for your sperm, because citizenship doesn’t mean much unless that also means that you have to carry a passport in order to travel. Conceivably, a Sperm Carrier™ could be forbidden from international travel due to having been incarcerated for a criminal offense and not yet receiving a pardon, but that shouldn’t stop his sperm unless it has also been convicted of a criminal offense. Such as anything that follows.
Good-Bye, Phallic Contraception Methods
No more condoms sounds great, right? Wrong, asshole. You can also kiss female condoms and blow-jobs good-bye, along with spermicide and products that contain spermicidal components, fertility clinics and medical treatment facilities that receive and store sperm samples, access to vasectomy — except as a punishment for some sex offenders (more on that further down) — and say so long to that male contraceptive testicular injection scientists are working on that would prevent sperm emission for ten years at a time! You’re a terrible person for even thinking of doing such a heinous thing to citizens of your own country! Let alone supporting scientific study of this contraceptive option and the right of other people (who are obviously just being selfish) to access it. In fact, all of these things are equivalent to heinous sex crimes under the Citizenship For Sperm (hypothetical) legislation. For which you should be castrated (and your penis removed) so that you never hurt anyone again! And maybe vasectomies should be used punitively against Sperm Carriers™ who turn themselves in for being unable to exert control over their sexual urges within the first two years of ejaculating for the first time!
Even if you yourself are not a Sperm Carrier™; but if you are, you’re a terrible person for thinking about it even if you currently practice either celibacy or abstinence; or if you are asexual, have a low libido for any reason at all, or experience problems associated with a sexual dysfunction that prevents you from reaching climax. Shame on you! If only there was a better way to enforce thought policing than by a constant trampling wheel of shame!
Masturbation is a Crime Against Humanity
“I was just following orders” is the first thing that comes to mind with this one. It’s not the sperm’s fault, right? Well, except that it didn’t stop itself. In fact, it can be said to have conspired with the Sperm Carrier™ to perpetrate mass murder. And when I say mass murder, I mean that I don’t have the vocabulary to form an adequate gesture of how horrendous this atrocity is, in terms of hypothetical human rights violations. According to Wikipedia, two years after his first experience of ejaculation, a Sperm Carrier™ can expect to lose an average of 1.05 billion sperm. That would make every carrier’s ejaculatory orgasm equivalent to an astounding 100 Holocausts (I just got a little sick typing that). And we all know how much the “pro-life” popularity contest likes to compare abortion to the Holocaust — literally, I’ve written an entire blog entry about it, being auto-published this Wednesday. It’s also 15% of the current global population. Just like that. Lights out for them.
And if you think I’m being silly, I’m not. I’m quite serious about the hypothetical devastation of hypothetical rights for sperm that may hypothetically cause personhood of an ovum some day (especially in Arizona, where personhood of the fetus begins two weeks before conception!) And you should be too, especially if you carry sperm in your body. No one would ever be able to let you jerk off again, and your every move would be monitored by the equivalent of the Stasi where ever you call home, just to make sure you’re brought to justice if you did. Your home and all your communications would have to be wire-tapped, and there most certainly would have to be an entire underground society like in THX-1138 to support successful monitoring and policing. It makes my skin crawl just thinking about it.
Interpol Monitors Your International Travel
If you travel at all for work or pleasure, you better believe you’d still have to be monitored there too. There shouldn’t be even one dark corner somewhere in the world where a person can just go and destroy 15% of humanity at the snap of their fingers. Or I guess if I wanted to be accurate, with repetitive jerking motions. Have you ever seen a film in which some unsuspecting white guy American has a burlap sack thrown over his head as he’s pulled into a van by multiple brown-skinned thugs, his hands put immediately in zip-cuffs, knocked out and waking up nude tied to a chair or hanging by his wrists in a room lit only by a single exposed lightbulb hanging in front of his face? He’s always tortured in this room, and interrogated for things he either doesn’t know about or can’t say because they’ll kill him if he confesses. They cut him up, beat him, break his bones, electrocute him, brand him, and waterboard him. And this literally would become your reality while you’re on vacation somewhere.
All it would take is the mere suspicion that you’ve touched yourself for erotic pleasure — or even waking up from a nocturnal emission — and BAM! you’re tied to a chair in the dark and people are yelling at you in a language you don’t understand while they force a loaded gun into your broken jaw. And sure as shit, you can count on an increase in searches, arrests, and interrogations because of racial profiling (especially of whites). I dare you to try and beg for the U.S. Embassy to help you out of that one, you pig.
I can guarantee you, that if you do manage to get away with nocturnal emission or any other means of ejaculating, without getting caught by either the Stasi or some sort of stereotypical terrorist organization from a desert landscape, the evidence will still be traced back to you, and you’ll face human trafficking violations for leaving an illegal alien from your country behind in someone else’s (or in an unauthorized trip within your own country). This is especially true for anyone who would attempt to subvert the legal restrictions imposed by Citizenship For Sperm by travelling without their second passport, under a primary falsified passport that indicates a gender that is not expected to be a carrier. Secretly donating sperm to a fertility clinic overseas would be equivalent to creating a child pornography ring. You might think you’ve gotten away with it when nothing happens to you within the first couple of weeks, but 10 or 15 years later, when they’ve tracked down every single person who was complicit with your criminal behaviour, they’ll knock down your shitter door and take you away in handcuffs with your pants still hanging around your ankles.
They’ll expose you for the cold-blooded, genocidal psychopath you really are. You’ll no doubt be all over international news for your participation in this atrocity. Or did you think no one would catch on to you, you arrogant, narcissistic scumbag?!
Now How Does It Feel?
I bet you must feel pretty disgusted with yourself right about now, and you’re probably thoroughly disgusted with the entire male sex, too. Everyone hates you, and no one thinks you should be trusted with autonomy over your own body, or the right to self-determination. It’s almost as if there’s something going on here that sounds like something other people have been saying, but I can’t quite place a finger on it. Something about… subjugation of women? Nah, that can’t be it! Well, it’s a good thing there’s no Citizenship For Sperm campaign then, or your life would be irrevocably shit-tastic. I don’t know how in the hell you’d expect to accomplish anything of your own willpower under those circumstances, apart from getting pregnant with someone!