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Conversations With Computers

I’ve been having some computer problems lately, and sure enough, they are about the utmost consistent reminders of exactly how stupid computers actually are. They’ll only do exactly what you tell them to.

Week One, Day One

Android Phone: OHAI, I can has internets.
Windows 7 Netbook: OHAI, I can has internets too, but if you move me, I’ll drop it. Oh, and I’ll play all your YouTube audio out of sync and spontaneously reset when you get five minutes into a film on NetFlix if I don’t troll you with out-of-sync audio and patchy slo-mo video first.
Windows XP Microtower: Why can’t I be in on this internets party?
Jamie: Microtower, you don’t have a wireless adapter. Netbook, Y U NO keep talking to my router? What, is this door made out of lead or something?
Silence.

Week One, Day Three

Android Phone: OHAI, I can has internets, but will also now drop it if you move me away from the door.
Windows 7 Netbook: I don’t want to internet any more, so ciao!
Windows XP Microtower: Oh, sure, I’ll use that mobile data adapter, but I’ll make sure to use three times as much data as you actually see produced on your screen while I do it.
Jamie: Fuck this, I’m getting a wireless USB adapter.

Week Two, Day One

Android Phone: Beep, boop, I’m just doin’ whatever I want now. Oh, and your Facebook app doesn’t work any more.
Windows 7 Netbook: OK, if you put me on top of TWO boxes, and set me up just a couple inches out of the door frame, and if no one plops down on the couch while you’re writing a blog post, then maybe if I’m in a good mood, I’ll keep talking to the internets.
Windows XP Microtower: Wow, a brand new wireless USB adapter! I’ll just make sure it only works when it’s hung on the outside half of your bedroom doorknob at a very specific angle! And I need privacy, so keep that thing closed, will you?!
Jamie: Fuck this, I’m getting a wireless router too.

Week Two, Day Three

Android Phone: Wheeeee! I like this new router! Here, have all the internets you want, except Facebook! And by the way, here’s everything that’s happening on Facebook! But you can’t look at it! Hahahaha!
Windows 7 Netbook: I like this router better for no particular reason whatsoever.
Windows XP Microtower: Wow, a brand new wireless router too?! For me?! I love it!
Jamie: Finally. Hail Satan.

Week Two, Day Four

Android Phone: Wheeeee! This is so cool! I’ll just keep freezing whenever you click on anything in Facebook, after I notify you of everything that’s going on on there!
Windows 7 Netbook: Yes, I even quite like the view of the new wireless router from inside this corner away from the door where there is actually more obstructions interfering with the signal. For no particular reason whatsoever.
Windows XP Microtower: What?! You can’t do that, Netbook! Fuck you, router! Fuck you, wireless network USB adapter! Spontaneously corrupts own hard drive.
Jamie: There are no words… Just… None.

Week Two, Day Five

Android Phone: OK, here’s your Facebook app back. For no particular reason. I’m sorry. I’ll be good now.
Windows 7 Netbook: I’m the star of the whole operation now, am I?! Jolly good show!
Jamie: Microtower, you’re getting the silent treatment. In a box in the dark.

Week Four, Day One

Android Phone: I feel so much smoother now.
Windows 7 Netbook: I’ll just occasionally drop the internets for a few minutes at a time, a few times a day, at no particular regularity and for no reason at all.
Jamie: OK, Netbook. It’s about time I open you up. And you, Microtower. You’re getting an operating system reinstalled.

Week Four, Day Two

Android Phone: It’s like I just zip through all these tasks you’re giving me now. Play with me some more?
Windows 7 Netbook: I’m butt-hurt that you’re actually trying to take a look inside, so I’ll just cling extra hard to these two fairly essential screws so that you either have to break me or give up because you’ll strip them. Ohh, look. You stripped them.
Microtower: I don’t like this Windows disk, but I’ll let it look like it’s running like normal, just to keep you on your toes, and then I’ll give you a blue screen of death with a totally unspecifiable error code.
Jamie: Fuck all of you. I’m getting a fucking tablet. It’s my fuckin’ birthday.

Week Five, Day Six

Android Phone: Ooh, what’s that? Is that an Android tablet?
Android Tablet: You bet! Let’s get this internets party started!
Windows 7 Netbook: My secret shame — you actually found a way around my two clingy stripped screws!
Microtower: Well you figured it out. I’ll just take all night to run this hard drive erasure program, hard drive test, and memory test, and then do that same shit with the Windows disk.
Jamie: YEAH?! Eat Ubuntu, Microtower.

Week Five, Day Seven

Android Phone: Hey, tablet! Let’s start chiming out of sync with each other when a notification comes in from an application we’re both running!
Android Tablet: OK!
Windows 7 Netbook: I bet you won’t figure out how to get those antenna wires out of my monitor. Then I’ll get to keep mine! HAHAHAHAHA!
Ubuntu Microtower: Well, sure, the wireless card works, technically, but I’m not going to pick up signal without wires, so you may as well resign to using a wireless network USB adapter.
Jamie: But that’s what started this whole problem, fuckwit.
Ubuntu Microtower: I know.

Week Six, Day One

Android Phone: Hahahaha, tablet, I’m going to wait like an extra five minutes to chime after you, and then I’m going to stop syncing email too!
Android Tablet: AWESOME!
Windows 7 Netbook: Oh fuck, you figured it out anyway! Well, I’ll just sit over here with my stripped clingy fucking screws and my guts ripped out and… Oh, fuck.
Ubuntu Microtower: Awesome, a wireless card with antennae!
Jamie: Now… Does it work…?
Ubuntu Microtower: Oh, it works, but only exactly like you tell me. In code you have to figure out yourself. In Ubuntu. With a wireless network manager application that can’t finish pinging the router to secure a connection.
Jamie: …Fuck.

Week Six, Day Two

Android Phone: Well, if you’re going to turn off my wireless and auto-sync, I’m going to flood you with Facebook and Twitter notifications every time you start a new connection. So there.
Android Tablet: I’ll do everything you tell me to.
Windows 7 Netbook: Well at least if you’re going to give me that wireless network USB adapter, I’ll play nice. Sure would be nice if you just applied a little more pressure and snapped everything back together, though.
Ubuntu Microtower: Oh, you’ll never get a new wireless network manager without taking me all the way downstairs and plugging me directly into the router. Not with this shit. And by the way, I fucking hate that wireless network USB adapter too. For no particular reason whatsoever.
Jamie: OFFS!

Week Six, Day Three

Android Phone: Yes, I am beginning to get bitter.
Android Tablet: Wheeeeee! Look at how awesome I am! Oh, but not Netflix! Spontaneously disconnects from wireless network for twenty minutes at a time.
Windows 7 Netbook: Aaaaaaaall better. Just don’t take that adapter out, or you’ll have to uninstall and reinstall it all over again. Such as right now!
Ubuntu Microtower: Well now that you have that new program on here, I’ll just make sure the two of them randomly interfere with each other for no reason at all.
Jamie: GUH!

Week Six, Day Four

Android Phone: OK, I’m over it now. As long as you promise to take me out lots.
Android Tablet: Google-fu says get rid of the first wireless network adapter completely, but also says the one you just installed is a POS, and that running both will cause problems.
Windows 7 Netbook: You don’t say…
Ubuntu Microtower: Yeah, and if you get rid of the first one, but that doesn’t solve the problem, you’ll have to take me downstairs again. So you probably don’t want to do that. Oh look, I have this handy “disable” feature!
Jamie: Disables original wireless network manager. Oh. Well that seems to have solved it.
Ubuntu Microtower: Pffft, tonight maybe.

Week Six, Day Five

Android Tablet: Google-fu says change these random files.
Ubuntu Microtower: Yeah, well, if you’re going to do that, I’m going to start prompting you for a password for EVERYTHING.
Android Tablet: Google-fu says change this random file to fix that.
Ubuntu Microtower: Playing hardball, eh? Well then I guess I’ll just stop talking to the router now.
Jamie: OH PLEASE.

Week Six, Day Six

Android Tablet: Google-fu says use a static IP address, and that’ll fix all of it.
Ubuntu Microtower: Oh, fine.
Jamie: Yay, internets!

Week Six, Day Seven

Ubuntu Microtower: Surpriiiiiiiise!
Jamie: But it was just working… for more than 24 hours with no problems!
Android Tablet: You can always use me!
Ubuntu Microtower: Yeah, and good luck trying to figure out how to tell everything else how to use a static IP.
Android Tablet: Google-fu says change this file.
Ubuntu Microtower: FFFFUUUUUU TABLET
Jamie: Yay, internets!

Week Seven, Day One

Ubuntu Microtower: I’m totally trollin’ you, bro.
Jamie: FFFFFUUUUUU MICROTOWER!!!!
Android Tablet: Well you can always change it all back! And run this file when you’re done.
Ubuntu Microtower: BLAST! You found my secret!
Jamie: I AM THE WINNING. Yay, internets!

Something tells me I won’t have these problems when I move, because I’ll actually have wireless detection consistently over 30%. January 1st cannot come soon enough.

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